Twilight, Tears and a Whole Lot of Glitter Paint
by NekoDoodleInc
Summary: Momo discovers the 'wonders' of Twilight and decides to organise a play version with members of the Gotei 13 as the cast, much to the dismay of well...you can guess who. Crack, tears and a whole lot of glitter paint ensues.
1. The Beginning of All Evil

Authors' Note:

**Our quote of the day 'Social life and butterflies spell disaster'**

_Um, should we be explaining the premise of this fic or whatever randomness is behind what you just said now?_

**Oh, the randomness, by all means.**

_Actually, first, I'm gonna let anyone brave enough to read this know that, yes, there are two people writing this now. We are AppleDoodle (she writes in bold) and NijiNoNeko (I write in italics) and this is our first joint fic. Now you explain the randomness._

**Yay! I'm in charge of randomness... well, I do that anyway, but still... OK, basically, Neko-chan has this pile of magazines on her desk and the bottom one only had the very bottom of it showing, so I thought it had the words 'Social life and butterflies spell disaster' written across the bottom, when actually it's split into three mini-paragraphs with the last lines being 'social life', 'and butterflies' and 'spell disaster'. There we go!**

_So yeah. Anyways, this fic is . . . I dunno how to describe this . . ._

**Pure crack?**

_Perfect. :)_

**Oh, and by the way, our story's set in Soul Society, while Rukia was in Karukara before she got arrested.**

_And there's probably going to be more than a hint of OOC-ness in this._**  
**

**Anyway, if anybody's still reading this, you might like our fic even if you don't like Twilight.**

_Or they might think it's the weirdest, most random thing on the planet._

**Yes, or that. ...Hey, isn't this supposed to be just a quick AN?**

_Yup, so let's get on with the story. _

**Enjoy!**

_Hopefully.

* * *

_

**Chapter One: The Beginning of All Evil**

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* * *

**

'_And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever_.'

Momo stared down at the page and reached up to wipe away a tear that threatened to spill down her cheek with a sniff. The last line of the book she'd been reading rang throughout her mind, the words crystal clear and tugging at her heart. Slowly, she closed the book, taking in the dark cover featuring the famed chessboard hosting a tall, elegant white Queen and the scarlet Pawn in its shadow. Unable to believe that the series which had taken over her life over the past three days was finally over, she stifled a strange little hybrid of a sniff and a sob.

"Hinamori-kun, are you okay?" asked Aizen from the other side of the room, peering at her from behind his rectangular glasses, feigning concern.

Momo jumped in shock.

"Oh . . . er, y-yes, Aizen Taichou," she stuttered. "I'm fine, it's just . . . THIS IS THE BEST BOOK I'VE EVER READ!" She leaped to her feet, hugging the Holy Grail of books to her chest and hurrying across to her captain, eagerly, before thrusting it towards him. "This is so amazing, so wonderful, it . . . it . . ." She trailed off, searching for words beautiful enough to describe the masterpiece. "It should become the new Shakespeare!"

Aizen adjusted his glasses, subtly leaning back a little to give himself some personal space and glanced down at what had just been proclaimed as rival to the likes of Macbeth. Across the top of the cover were emblazoned in curling letters the words 'Breaking Dawn'. _No, 'breaking dawn'_, he corrected himself, noting the title's lack of capitals. How ungrammatical. Then again, who was he to judge a book by its cover?

Then he realised that his Fuku-Taichou was waiting expectantly for something.

He looked down at the book again which appeared to be inching closer to his nose by the second. "Hmm. So, what's it about then?"

Three minutes and twelve seconds later and Aizen was wishing he'd never asked in the first place.

Fourteen minutes and thirty-six seconds later and he was seriously considering adding Stephenie Meyer to the top of his hit list. No, his torture list first.

Twenty-seven minutes and forty-two seconds later and Momo was _finally_ finished describing in excruciating detail every single one of what she called 'merits' of this 'Twilight Saga', but which Aizen would have much more preferred putting into the category of 'things never to hear of again'. And top of that category would have to be this 'Edward' person.

"Ah . . . that sounds . . . most interesting," he faked a smile to the best of his abilities. "Perhaps I will have to take a . . . er, closer look into this series at some point, but I am afraid that I'm rather busy at the moment. The Sou-Taichou has placed me in charge of planning an event to bring all the squads together, strengthening teamwork within the Gotei 13."

Momo's eyes lit up. "Oh, Taichou!" She clasped her hands excitedly. "I have the perfect idea!"

"Really?" asked Aizen, raising an eyebrow.

"We could make a play!"

"A play?"

"Yes, and have everyone from the squads taking part! Of course, we can have people acting, but we also need set designers, costume makers, musicians . . . oh, and we could ask the twelfth squad for microphones and special effects!"

Aizen nodded thoughtfully. All in all, this was actually a good idea . . .

Then Momo dropped the bombshell.

"And we should do Twilight!"

Aizen's lungs suddenly decided to commence a coughing fit.

He eyed his Lieutenant warily.

"Did you not just spend the last half an hour telling me that Twilight was a book?"

Momo beamed. "That's the genius of it! We can make our own dramatized version! I'm sure Ise Fuku-Taichou would be capable of writing a script . . ." She gasped. "We could even make it a musical!"

The words 'Hell no' were tantalisingly close to slipping out of his lips.

Unfortunately, as he had no better ideas, and to be completely honest, didn't have the time either (plans of world domination were far higher on his list of priorities) he supposed he should probably let his enthusiastic Fuku-Taichou have her way. However, even so, at the word 'musical' he would have to put his foot down.

"That's an excellent idea, Hinamori-kun," he smiled as warmly as he could. "But I'm not sure that the Gotei 13 has enough talented musicians to make a musical – I hear Hisagi Fuku-Taichou especially is . . . well, unique, in his playing. But, transcribing a book into a play is a really creative idea and I'm sure the Sou-Taichou will agree. And if this book is as popular as you claim it to be, we'll probably have a lot of eager volunteers to participate."

"Really? You think it's a good idea?" Momo clapped her hands excitedly.

Aizen looked back down at the paperwork he'd been trying to get on with before this whole Twilight business had started. "Yes, I'll take it up to the Sou-Taichou."

"Thank you, Aizen Taichou!" Momo bowed down in gratitude.

"However," Aizen continued, picking up his pen. "You are going to have to become the Chief Organiser, seeing as I have never read these books."

"It will be a pleasure!" Momo cried earnestly.

"Good," Aizen nodded his dismissal of the subject and pulled a form out from the stacked piles on his desk. Momo bowed blissfully, again, picked up her copy of '_breaking dawn_' from the table, and hurried out from the room, sliding the door shut behind her.

Aizen breathed an enormous sigh of relief, sinking back in his chair.

"At _last_," he moaned, reaching for a cup of tea. He brought the rim of said crockery up to his lips, sipping at the warm liquid that he was so partial to.

"Peace and quiet at last," he murmured to himself, letting his eyelids droop shut.

Unfortunately 'peace and quiet' could only last so long.

"Aizen Taichou!" came a familiar voice as the door burst open. Aizen cringed inwardly. He cracked open one eye, and found himself with Ichimaru Gin's face merely inches from his own.

"What?" Aizen growled, serving Gin the deadliest of death-glares, which the silver-haired captain of squad three promptly ignored.

"Taichou!" he grinned excitedly. "I just read this _brilliant_ book!" Aizen groaned. How many more book lectures was he going to be subjected to today?

"Gin, please," he started, but that was also ignored.

"Look!" Gin brought out a book from behind his back, a book that – oh no, looked suspiciously like . . . "It's called 'Twilight'!"

Aizen had never wanted to murder a book so much in his entire life.


	2. Bingo!

Authors' Note:

_Hello everyone, we're back, and we actually wrote another chapter! Wow._

**Yay!**

_Actually I quite enjoyed writing this. It was funny._

**Chapter one was fun too, though.**

_Oh, and many many thanks to everyone who reviewed the first chapter! You are all awesome, and we shall hopefully get round to replying to all the awesome reviews, but we're not sure when. We have a time limit right now._

**Cookies to all the reviewers! **

_And another chapter which you will hopefully enjoy!_

***Sigh* I wanted to do today's quote of the day, but Neko-chan won't let me :(**

_We don't have any time. So without further ado, let's start Chapter Two!_

**Hope you enjoy! And don't forget to review :)**

* * *

**Chapter Two:**** Bingo!**

* * *

_The world was at his feet . . . literally. He ruled it; unhindered by those stupid glasses, without that even more stupid fringe . . . life would be good, he would be great, powerful, with the Hougyouku at his side . . ._

"Aizen Taichou? Are you ready now?"

Aizen slammed his palm down hurriedly over his bored doodle of a chibi version of himself without glasses and a fringe standing on top of the world and looked sideways at Momo. He quickly turned his expression into one that didn't look like he was plotting world-domination (why would he be doing that?) and smiled at his Lieutenant.

"Of course, Hinamori-kun. Whenever you're ready."

"Good," Momo shuffled the papers in front of her on the desk they were sitting at, looking absurdly proud. She nodded towards a somehow extra grumpy white-haired tenth squad captain who was standing moodily by the door, arms crossed firmly. "If you could do the honours, Shiro-chan?"

With an enormous sigh, muttering something indistinguishable under his breath, Hitsugaya turned and opened the door. A blast of loud excited chatter spilled into the room. Aizen briefly glimpsed a mass of shinigami crowding around the door before Hitsugaya had grabbed the nearest one by their black robes and pulled them into the room, slamming the door shut after them.

"There," he growled, slouching against the wall.

Momo beamed. "Thank you, Shiro-chan!" Aizen could have sworn he heard Hitsugaya muttering something about 'Hitsugaya _Taichou_' but he was drowned out by Matsumoto Fuku-Taichou leaping up from where she'd been thrown onto the floor.

"Aw, Taichou, that wasn't very nice," she pouted, brushing imaginary dust off her robes. "You shouldn't manhandle your devoted Lieutenant like that. Think of all the hard work I do for you . . ."

Hitsugaya snorted. "Because grumbling about paperwork that you never get round to doing and staying up late and hosting sake parties whilst I'm out is really 'hard work'."

"You're just jealous, Taichou," Matsumoto poked him cheekily. "Just because you're not old enough to buy sake . . ." Hitsugaya threw her a look that would have set off an avalanche.

"Ahem," Momo coughed pointedly. Matsumoto looked over.

"Oh yes," she strode away from her captain towards the centre of the room. "Taichou, stop sidetracking me. This could be the turning point of my career."

Hitsugaya stared after her as she struck an 'auditioning' pose in front of the Judge's desk.

"You are a _shinigami_, Matsumoto," he informed her slowly. "The turning point of your career would be actually doing your paperwork."

Matsumoto frowned, striking her 'disagreeing' pose. "But Taichou, paperwork is bad for your health. It gives you worry lines."

Momo's smile was slightly forced. "I think we're getting completely sidetracked here, Rangiku-san, Shiro-chan."

"Of course, Hinamori-kun," Matsumoto turned back to an 'attentive' pose. "My sincerest apologies. Taichou, you should apologise too. You're wasting valuable time."

Hitsugaya spluttered.

"Anyway," Momo said brightly. "Now we're all sorted, shall we begin?"

"Yes!" Matsumoto put on her best 'experienced acting' pose.

"Okay, so have you learnt the whole monologue?"

"Of course! Shall I begin?"

Momo smiled. "When you're ready."

Vaguely, Aizen wondered why he was in the auditioning room. Momo was managing everything fine on her own.

Matsumoto battered her eyelashes. "Do I need to do an accent too?"

"No, it's okay, just concentrate on your acting." Momo shook her head.

Matsumoto grinned. "Okay!"

She struck her 'angsty-teenager-named-Bella' pose.

"Of three things I was absolutely positive. First," she paused, dramatically. "Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him – and I didn't know how potent that part might be – that thirsted for my blood. And third," she smiled blissfully. "I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him."

Momo clapped. "That was great, Rangiku-san!"

Aizen nodded. "Very good." He scribbled some random scribbles on the paper in front of him to make it look like he was actually making notes. "Now, for the set scene?"

"Okay, I'm ready," Rangiku smiled.

"Shiro-chan? Could you call in a male candidate please?" Momo asked.

A few seconds later, Hitsugaya was dragging Gin into the room.

"Gin!" Matsumoto cried in surprise. "I didn't expect to see you here."

"Quite the surprise, ne, Ran-chan?" Gin came to stand next to her.

"When you're ready," Momo nodded. Matsumoto smiled, and turned away from Gin slightly, putting on her 'angsty-teenager-about-to-challenge-a-creepy-vampire-boy' pose. Gin put on his 'vampire' pose, which luckily didn't change his appearance at all. He was creepy enough already.

Aizen decided that Gin made quite a good vampire.

Into the tense silence, Matsumoto spoke.

"How old are you?"

Gin tried to look serious. "Seventeen."

"How long have you been seventeen?"

Gin decided that it was a fine point to let his trademark smile spread wider across his features. It was a slightly creepy response after all.

"A while," he said with relish. Robert Pattinson didn't give this vampire-guy enough creepiness. Vampires needed creepiness like they needed blood.

Matsumoto put on her 'creeped-out' pose. "I know what you are."

Gin stepped closer to her and bent down to whisper into her ear, one hand caressing the back of her neck. "Say it. Out loud."

Matsumoto didn't need to act 'creeped-out' anymore. Gin's acting was just too . . . creepy. She took a deep breath.

"Vampire."

Gin straightened up with a huge grin, clapping his hands eagerly. "Bingo!"

In the corner, Hitsugaya roared with laughter. Aizen reflected as he stifled a chuckle of his own, that it was the first time he'd heard the ice-cold captain laugh. Hmm, ice-cold. Maybe he would make a good vampire.

Then again, Gin was so much more entertaining.

Momo, however, did not look impressed.

"You can't mutilate the script!" she said, scandalised.

Gin put on as puppy-eyed a look as he could without opening his eyes. "Aw, I wasn't mutilating it. I was . . ." he looked at Matsumoto for inspiration where she had collapsed, giggling in a chair, ". . . improving it."

Momo tutted. "Improvements or no, Ichimaru Taichou, you didn't follow the script. That may or may not be in your favour when we come to decide on the cast."

Aizen decided that it was time to stick up for his sidekick. If Gin was in this play-thing then life would be a lot more bearable.

"But this proves how good he is at improvisation," he pointed out.

Momo threw him a look as if he'd betrayed her. Aizen hid a sigh. She'd always seemed to have a sort of vendetta against the third squad captain for some reason. He couldn't fathom why.

Matsumoto, recovered from her hysterical fit now, addressed the Judges. "So, what did you think?"

Momo smiled at her. "Your acting was fantastic Rangiku-san. I will certainly be considering you for a major role."

Rangiku grinned. "Thank you, Hinamori-kun! Come on, Gin, let's go." She pulled Gin towards the door.

"Oh, is it over now? I quite like acting this vampire-guy," Aizen heard Gin say as the door shut behind them.

Momo shook her head in disgust. "He has no respect for a masterpiece," she sighed, then gestured towards a more amused Hitsugaya. "Next, please, Shiro-chan."


	3. Compulsory

Authors' Note:

_You won't believe how hard it is to find a good monologue for Edward. Most of them are like three words._

**Yeah! Seriously, we had to search for AGES, and then suddenly there were about 5 all in one go. Wth?**

_Mmm. Anyway, here we are, finally with another chapter! After about three weeks... but we're off school for the next week now so maybe we'll be able to write another chapter to make up for it._

**Yep! Anyway, thanks again to everyone that reviewed... Hey, wait a sec, I haven't said anything particularly crazy yet... Hmmm...**

_It's okay, you don't need to. Let's just get on with the chapter - and yes, thanks from me too to all reviewers! You're totally awesome! And so is anyone who reviews this chapter too... XD_

**:) Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter Three: Compulsory**

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Momo put down her pen with a satisfied sigh, stretching her arms with a stifled yawn.

"And that's the last one," she turned to her Taichou sitting beside her at the Judges' Desk. He smiled warmly back and ran a hand through his hair.

"Well, what do you think then?" he asked, pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose.

Momo picked up the enormous pile of papers in front of her. "Hmm . . . we've certainly got a lot of brilliant female actors . . ." she mused, flicking through her notes. Then her eyes widened and she gasped. "No, wait a minute!" She stared down at the papers in horror. "No . . . it can't be . . ."

Aizen raised a concerned eyebrow. "Is something wrong, Hinamori-kun?"

"Yes!" she looked at him, appalled. "We only had two male candidates, and one of them was _Yumichika_!"

"Oh," Aizen said. "I see."

Momo pulled at her hair in anguish. "What can we do? At the very least, we need an Edward, but there's absolutely no way Yumichika can be him."

"What about Gin, then?" Aizen asked. "He was good. Very good."

Momo shot him a distasteful look. "There's absolutely no way I'm casting Gin as Edward either. Not with his completely disrespectful attitude." She shuddered disapprovingly.

"So what are you going to do then?" Aizen half-glanced down at his notes (not that he'd actually written anything constructive). Momo's eyes suddenly lit up.

"I know!" she cried, turning to pleadingly face Hitsugaya, who was still standing slouched in the corner. "Shiro-chan, do you think you would . . . ?"

"No."

Momo pouted a little. "Pleeeeeeaaase, Shiro-chan?"

"No way in hell."

Aizen coughed, trying to hide his amusement. "Hinamori-kun? I have an idea."

"Oh, do you, Aizen Taichou?" Momo asked eagerly.

"Yes," Aizen nodded. "How about we ask the Sou-Taichou what to do? I mean, it was his idea to hold an event to bring all the squads together in the first place."

"That's a great idea, Taichou!" Momo clasped her hands in delight, jumping out of her seat. "So whilst you go do that, I'll see if I can persuade Kira-kun and Abarai-kun to audition."

Aizen choked. "Wait . . . I meant you would . . ." but Momo had already darted out the door.

From the corner, Hitsugaya laughed dryly.

"Looks like you're going to be the one to face the Sou-Taichou after all, Aizen," he grinned.

And not a nice grin either, Aizen reflected as he unwillingly left the room towards the first squad.

The kind of grin Aizen himself would wear when thinking about the destruction and despair he was planning on bringing upon Soul Society.

* * *

It was with an incredibly heavy heart and an enormous sense of foreboding that Aizen made his way back to the auditioning room two hours later. Momo was already there, head slumped in her hands, Hitsugaya still slouching in the corner. Both looked towards him as he shut the door behind him.

"Taichou!" Momo's eyes lit up hopefully. "What did the Sou-Taichou say?"

"Just give me a minute," Aizen tried to keep his irritation out of his voice and refrain from whacking his head against the wall as he sat down in his chair. "I need some tea, and fast." He looked pointedly at Momo, who immediately leapt up to do the task.

Once she'd returned and handed both Aizen and Hitsugaya enormous mugs of tea, he decided he couldn't put off the news any longer.

"The Sou-Taichou," he said slowly. "Has made it compulsory for every shinigami of third seat rank and above, excluding himself, to audition."

A colossal spluttering erupted from the corner of the room, as Hitsugaya choked on his tea, spraying the scalding liquid across the carpet, some small droplets even reaching Aizen and Momo.

"_WHAT?_"

Aizen cringed as the temperature in the room suddenly dropped and an icy wind somehow managed to blast in through the closed window.

Some part of him felt like he should be worrying for his life at the hands of this suddenly enraged captain, but the majority was rather enjoying Hitsugaya's reaction. It was reassuring at least, to know that he would not be the only one thoroughly annoyed by the Sou-Taichou's decision.

Meanwhile, Momo was suddenly beaming. "Shiro-chan, what's wrong? Why are you so angry? This is the best thing the Sou-Taichou's ever done!"

There was a renewed spluttering from Hitsugaya and a muffled one from Aizen. Their eyes met as Momo started happily going on about arranging more auditions, and for once, Aizen felt that they were thinking exactly the same thing.

"So, Shiro-chan, seeing as you're already here, why don't you go first?"

Hitsugaya glared at Momo. "Hinamori . . ."

"Come on, it won't take that long, and I'm sure you can get a really good part!"

Hitsugaya appeared to be temporarily lost for words. "Hinamori . . . I can't . . . I have to . . ." he stumbled over his words.

"But why not?" Momo asked, picking up a pen. "Look, we're all set up for auditions, so you might as well do it now."

"I . . ." Hitsugaya cast around for an excuse. "I have paperwork to do. You've already made me waste most of the day chaperoning for you, plus you've given Matsumoto a chance to skive off _her_ paperwork for the next couple of months, so I'll need to do her load as well."

"It seems like you do hers anyway," Aizen smirked, but under his breath, knowing full well that it wouldn't be too long before Momo realised that he himself was higher than a third seat rank, and force him to audition too.

Momo reached for an audition script and handed it to Hitsugaya. "That's not a very good excuse Shiro-chan, and you'll have to audition anyway, so let's get it over with! Come on, just read this monologue. It doesn't matter that you haven't learnt it off by heart . . . I'm sure you'll be able to read it really well!"

Hitsugaya glowered dubiously down at the paper. "Fine," his voice was arctic-cold. With the air of someone performing an act of great sin, he started reading.

"Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you," he said, his voice sounding thoroughly pained, though that was probably to do with his reluctance. "You don't know how it's tortured me." Aizen nodded sagely. Yep, he definitely sounded tortured.

"The thought of you, still, white, cold . . . to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretences . . . it would be unendurable." Hitsugaya paused, then stared down at the script, eyes wide in pure horror and disgust, before turning his gaze on Momo, open-mouthed. "Do I actually have to say this? This . . . this pile of . . ."

"Trash?" supplied Aizen, helpfully.

Momo glared at both of them simultaneously, which Aizen wasn't entirely sure was physically possible, but somehow she managed it.

"_Just say it_," she ordered. Hitsugaya blanched at her tone, but hastily looked down at the script again. He ran a weary hand through his hair, then reluctantly said the line through gritted teeth.

"You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."

Momo clapped eagerly. "There you go, Shiro-chan, that wasn't too hard was it? Well done!"

Hitsugaya looked like he begged to differ, but said nothing. He tossed the script on the table. "Can I go now?"

"Yes, yes," Momo smiled, shuffling her papers importantly. "You'll have to come back sometime to do the set scene, but we'll need to get someone for you to do it with, so that can be done later."

Hitsugaya muttered something that sounded to Aizen like "Thank _God_," then hurried from the room.

Momo turned her beaming expression on Aizen. "He did very well don't you think, Aizen Taichou? I've had an idea for the perfect role for him!"

"Oh, have you now?" Aizen sipped at his tea.

"Yes," Momo got to her feet. "And for Rangiku-san too, but we have lots more auditions to arrange now, don't we?"

"Uh, yes, I suppose so," Aizen stood as well, and followed his vice-captain out of the room, thoroughly dreading the next few days and the inevitability that they would bring.

* * *

**Another quick note: At the phrase ' An icy wind somehow managed to blast in through the closed window', Neko-chan accidentally typed 'An icy window...' before realising what she'd typed, which made me think: wouldn't it have been cool if 'An icy window suddenly apeared out of nowhere and hit Aizen in the facce, leaving Momo dubstruck' ? lol. AppleDoodle**


	4. Kicking and Screaming

Authors' Note:

**We're back with another chapter! Yay!**

_This time it's the Second Squad auditions._

**And we've**** decided to continue to spell Soi Fon's name like this, instead of the new**** 'Sui Feng'. We're being rebels!**

_Yup! And we also finally got round to answering all the reviews! But thanks again to everyone who reviewed, and also to everyone who favourited and story-alerted this._

**So, without further ado (I've always wanted to say that) let's begin the chapter!**

_Oh, and for the record, we hate Omaeda._

**Which is why we torture him so much.**_  
_

* * *

**Chapter Four: Kicking and Screaming**

**

* * *

**

Momo frowned at the Second Squad Lieutenant. "I'm afraid you can't do the audition on your own," she tutted. "It was required for you to bring your Captain with you."

Aizen supressed a snort. Seemed like there would be a lot of unwilling captains. He couldn't wait until it was the sixth squad auditions.

Meanwhile, Omaeda opened a packet of rice crackers disgruntedly. "I told her it was time for her audition but when I went to get her she had mysteriously disappeared. I'm quite worried actually. It's not like Taichou to hide from someone like myself."

"No, she'd usually just knock you out and leave," muttered Aizen into his cup of tea.

"Taichou, did you say something?" Momo asked.

"Oh, no, nothing important," Aizen smiled. "I was just agreeing with you that Omaeda Fuku-Taichou should go back and retrieve Captain Soi Fon if that is the case."

"Yes, excellent idea," Momo beamed. "You heard him Omaeda Fuku-Taichou. Come back with your Captain."

Omaeda tilted his head back, mouth wide open and shook the remainder of the rice cracker crumbs down his throat. "Yes, Hinamori-kun! I will return dragging my captain kicking and screaming if needs be!" He saluted in what Aizen supposed was meant to be a . . . snappy salute? Flashy salute? "I will be back before you can say 'Marechiyo'!" And then he backed out the door.

"Who's that?" Momo asked.

* * *

"Taichou! Taichooooouuuuu! Where are yoooooooouuuuuuuuuuu?"

Soi Fon's eyebrow twitched in irritation.

"Go away!" she hissed under her breath. "Go away, idiot!"

"Taichou! Please! We need to go to the Twilight auditions now!"

Soi Fon shuddered. "Exactly why I'm avoiding you, idiot. Well, not that I don't try to do that anyway, but in particular today," she muttered.

"Soi Fon Taichou! Where are you? I can't find you anywhere!"

Soi Fon smirked. "Precisely why I hid in such an obvious place, idiot. You'd never think to check under my desk."

"Wheeeeeeeerrrrrrreeeeeeee aaaaaaaarrrrrrrreeeeeee yooooooooooouuuuuuuu?"

"SHUT UP, IDIOT! THAT SOUNDS _SO _STUPID! STOP DISGRACING OUR SQUAD!" Soi Fon yelled. Then she froze. Even _Omaeda _wasn't stupid enough to not notice where her voice had come from.

Sure enough, his obnoxious face appeared inches away from her.

"Taichou! Found you!" He grinned proudly. "So that's where you-"

Her stupid Lieutenant never got to finish that particular sentence, as Soi Fon's fist came into immediate contact with Omaeda's hideous nose.

"Honestly!" she fumed, climbing out from under the table and purposefully treading all over Omaeda's unconscious body. "I suppose now I have to drag you to the auditions now, don't I?"

Of course, Omaeda couldn't reply.

* * *

"Taichou! Let me go! I can walk by myself you know! Taichou!"

"No you can't, shut up, idiot."

Aizen raised an eyebrow at the voices nearing the room. Beside him, Momo sat up straighter with a smile.

"Ah, I think they've finally retur-" she started with a smile, which faded as the door burst open to reveal an extremely irate Soi Fon dragging her Fuku-Taichou kicking and screaming behind her.

Aizen couldn't resist. "Wasn't it supposed to be _you_ dragging your Captain kicking and screaming, Omaeda Fuku-Taichou?"

Omaeda squeaked as Soi Fon dropped him to the floor with the air of someone dropping an extremely disgusting and weak victim through the Squad Eleven's letterbox, then twisted around to try to peer at Aizen reproachfully from behind a motley of bruises covering the majority of his face.

"Aizen Taichou! That wasn't very respectful," he said. Unfortunately for him, reproachfulness did not work on Omaeda. Neither did trying to pronounce words more than two syllables long, like 'respectful'.

Aizen buried his smirk in his tea.

"Shut up," Soi Fon kicked Omaeda. "Can we just get this audition over and done with? I have better things to be doing."

"Of course, Soi Fon Taichou!" Momo smiled. "I'm glad you finally decided to turn up. Now, shall we start with the set-scene? Have you learnt your lines?"

"I have, but this idiot's so stupid he doesn't have the memory-span to do so. He'd better use the script," Soi Fon advised, picking up a script from the table and shoving it in Omaeda's face.

Whilst Omaeda protested at his captain's words, which earned him another black-eye, Aizen sipped his tea in surprise. He'd been quite certain that Soi Fon would not have wanted to take part at all, so why should she have bothered to learn her lines?

But then again, Yoruichi had probably told her centuries ago that she'd make a good actress.

"Okay, when you're ready!" Momo picked up a pen and got ready to write notes as the Squad Two members got in position.

Soi Fon stood with her back to Omaeda, arms folded. Omaeda was standing about a metre away from her with what was presumably a 'cool' expression on his face.

"How old are you?" Soi Fon asked, business-like.

"Seventeen," Omaeda creeped closer, trying to look epic and failing miserably.

"How long have you been seventeen?" Soi Fon narrowed her eyes, warningly, which Omaeda regrettably could not see.

"A while," he said, standing right behind his Captain and reaching down a hand to caress her neck. Aizen reckoned that he'd been watching the video footage of Gin and Rangiku's audition that the twelfth squad had filmed with their hidden surveillance cameras.

Soi Fon shuddered and spoke through gritted teeth. "I know what you are."

"Say it," Omaeda breathed into her ear, and Aizen winced in sympathy for Soi Fon as he guessed that his breath would not have been the sweetest smelling thing in Soul Society. "Out loud."

Soi Fon took a deep, steadying breath.

"A STUPID, IDIOTIC, PIG-FACED, DIM, THICK, DENSE, BRAINLESS, OBTUSE, SENSELESS, UGLY, FOUL, UNSIGHTLY, HIDEOUS . . ." Soi Fon roared, spinning around and kicking him in an extremely sensitive place as she took a breath.

Aizen was impressed that the Captain had been able to think up exactly the same stream of adjectives that had been running through his brain, but decided to act like a professional. "Are you finished yet, Soi Fon Taichou?"

"Nope," Soi Fon smiled, before turning back to Omaeda and yelling. "REVOLTING, REPULSIVE, SMELLY, PUTRID, ROTTEN, FETID, DISGUSTING, GHASTLY, FILTHY, NAUSEATING, SICKENING, COMPLETELY GROSS IDIOT!"

"You said 'idiot' twice," Omaeda mumbled weakly, doubled over in pain.

Soi Fon's smile looked like a cat with far too much cream. "No, I said 'idiotic' and 'idiot', idiot." Then she turned to bow to Momo and Aizen.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, judges, would you mind if I came back for my monologue later? I'm afraid I have some escorting-to-the-fourth-squad work to do."

And with that, she dragged her Lieutenant out of the room, kicking and screaming.

Aizen looked across at Momo. Her pen had dropped out of her loosened grasp, and she was staring open-mouthed, wide-eyed at the open door.

"That was even worse than _Gin's_," she said slowly.

* * *

"Taichou? Taichou?" Omaeda wailed. "Taichou, where are you taking me? The fourth squad is that way!"

Soi Fon ignored him. "Hmm," she mused. "Twelfth or eleventh? Which one would be more satisfyingly painful . . . ?"

Under the bruises, Omaeda paled. "No, Taichou . . . you wouldn't . . . would you?"

Soi Fon clicked her fingers. "No, actually, I've changed my mind. That really wouldn't have been the right decision."

"Oh good," Omaeda breathed a sigh of relief. "Now perhaps can you head towards the fourth squad?"

"Why would I be doing that?" Soi Fon asked, like she was stating the obvious. "The twelfth squad's in the other direction."

"WHAT?" Omaeda yelped. "Taichou! I thought you said that was the wrong decision!"

"I know," Soi Fon nodded seriously. "You're going to both."


	5. Eleventh Squad  Part One

Authors' Note:

**So here we are with another chapter! We're really bad at updating regularly, aren't we?**

_Yup. But you amazing readers are really good at reviewing, which we appreciate hugely and makes us want to write more. This is short, but hopefully you'll enjoy it anyway._

**My quote of the day: "I feel like a Teletubby"**

_All weirdness is on her. No explanation wanted. Anyway, moving swiftly onwards, cue the eleventh squad. Enjoy!_

**Chapter Five: Eleventh Squad - Part One**

* * *

Aizen entered the audition room, pushing all 'evil' thoughts to the back of his mind whilst he prepared himself for another long day of auditions. Momo was already seated at the desk, scanning through lists of shinigami.

"So, who is auditioning today?" Aizen slid into the seat beside her, pushing those infuriating glasses further up his nose.

Momo tapped the sheet of paper in front of her. "The Eleventh Squad, starting with Third Seat Madarame Ikkaku."

"Oh?" Aizen smiled. "That'll be interesting. Who's going to play Bella in his set-scene?"

"That's the problem," Momo said. "I don't know."

"What about Kusajishi Fuku-Taichou? She's in the Eleventh."

"Yes, but she insists that she wants to audition with 'Maki-Maki'," Momo sighed. "Or Zaraki Taichou."

Aizen leaned back in his chair. "What about Yumichika, then?"

"He auditioned already, Taichou."

"I know, but we could call him back for Ikkaku's audition couldn't we?"

Momo frowned. "But they're both guys."

"Ah, but I'm sure Yumichika wouldn't object to playing a girl," Aizen said, deciding not to mention that the Fifth Seat's love of 'beautiful' things made many consider him to be a girl anyway.

"I don't know . . ." Momo chewed on her lip, unsatisfied.

"We may as well ask," said Aizen positively.

* * *

Aizen tried very hard not to laugh his head off at the expression on Ikkaku's face as the two Eleventh Squad members stood awkwardly before them.

Well, Ikkaku stood awkwardly. Yumichika was practically radiating smugness as he appeared to be restraining himself from jumping up and down in delight (which would be very ugly, of course).

"I'm so pleased you agreed to audition again and aid Madarame-san, here," Momo smiled weakly at Yumichika.

"It's a pleasure!" Yumichika beamed. "Such an honour to be performing such a beautiful masterpiece again!"

Momo's smile's weakness vanished immediately at the praise of Twilight. "And it's an honour having you back again, Yumichika-san," she said. "I hope you have no objections to playing Bella?"

"No, none at all!" Yumichika replied. "On the contrary, I've always wondered what it would be like to play her."

Aizen attempted not to snort as Ikkaku looked distinctly more perturbed beside his friend.

"Right, then, let's begin!" Momo nodded to Ikkaku. "Do you want to do the monologue first?"

"Uh . . . okay," Ikkaku said uncomfortably. "Um . . ."

"Good luck!" Yumichika stage-whispered as he stepped to the side of the room. "Just imagine you're as beautiful as I am!"

Ikkaku ignored him, and moved to the centre of the room, licking his lips nervously.

"When you're ready," Momo smiled encouragingly.

"Uh . . . right," Ikkaku scratched his head. "Uh . . . it was unqu – unque – unques – un –"

"Unquestionably?" Aizen offered.

Ikkaku threw him a grateful look. "Yeah, that's the one. It was unquestionably . . . er, what came next . . . oh yeah! It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such cir – cirki – circuititous –"

"Circuitous," Aizen corrected helpfully.

"Oh yeah, cheers," Ikkaku said and tried again. "I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind . . . her mind isn't very original, and it – Jesus, how long is this sentence? – it was annoying to have to stoop to that. Er . . . and then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extr – extre – extree –"

"Please," Aizen rolled his eyes. "Come on, 'extremely'?"

Ikkaku looked embarrassed. "Uh, hmm. It was all extremely irritating." Then he frowned. "Wait, what comes next?"

Aizen could almost see the daggers Momo was shooting Ikkaku with her eyes. "That's the end."

"Seriously?" Ikkaku asked. "Great!" And Aizen was certain he heard him mutter 'What a stupid monologue' under his breath.

"Right," Momo said. "Now, let's do the set-scene."

"Excellent!" Yumichika danced to join Ikkaku in the middle of the room. "Are you ready to begin?"

Ikkaku shuddered. "As ready as I'll ever be. Let's just get this over with."

Yumichika smiled, then stepped back, facing Ikkaku accusingly. "How old are you?"

Ikkaku tapped his sword against his shoulder thoughtfully. "I dunno, I lost count after about two hundred. Why?"

Yumichika's face fell suddenly. "Oh no! I don't believe it!"

"What?" Ikkaku asked. "And weren't we meant to be doing an audition anyway?"

"I forgot about your birthday!" Yumichika stared, dismayed at Ikkaku. "I didn't get you a present!"

"Really? When was it?"

"Four days ago!" Yumichika wailed.

"Oh, um, it's okay," Ikkaku said hastily. "You didn't need to get me anything. I didn't get you anything in September either until you reminded me kinda forcefully."

"But still!" Yumichika cried. "You always forget birthdays! But it's not beautiful for me to forget them!"

Aizen surveyed them, amused. "Shall we carry on with the set-scene now? You can continue your argument afterwards."

"Oh yes, right," Yumichika snapped back to the audition. "How long have you been seventeen?"

Ikkaku was perplexed. "I'm seventeen? Since when, exactly?"

Yumichika hissed at him. "That's what _I _just asked! And you were meant to learn the script before hand!"

"So, when you asked how old I was, that was part of the scene?" Ikkaku asked, eyes wide.

"Yes! And then you were supposed to answer 'Seventeen'!"

"Oh. So what do I say now you've asked how long I've been seventeen?"

"You say, 'A while'."

"Ah," Ikkaku nodded. "Makes sense. Then what do you say afterwards?"

"Then I say, very dramatically and beautifully, 'I know what you are'," Yumichika tossed his hair.

"Okay," Ikkaku said slowly. "Then what?"

"Then you say, beautifully, like a vampire, the most dangerously beautiful creature alive, - after myself of course - 'Say it. Out loud'. And then I say, 'Vampire'. And then you say, 'Are you afraid?' then I say 'No' then you say 'You should be'. And that's the whole scene!"

"Excellent!" Ikkaku spun around and headed for the door. "Great teamwork Yumichika! Job done!"

Momo stared at him. "No – wait, where are you going?"

But Ikkaku just carried on out the room. "Come on, Yumichika, are you coming? Let's get the hell out of here – Yachiru's gonna have gone on a giant massacre without us or something."

"Oh, wait for me!" Yumichika hurried after him. "I need to discuss what I'm going to get you for your birthday!"

"I told you, you don't need to get me anything!"

"And I'm telling you now, I'm going to! And in fact, I need to get you double the amount, seeing as I so un-beautifully forgot about it!"

Their voices faded slowly into the distance.

Aizen glanced back at Momo. "I have a feeling Zaraki Taichou and Kusajishi Fuku-Taichou's audition isn't going to get any better either."

Momo nodded in resigned agreement, but secretly, very secretly, Aizen decided that he was going to look forward to the rest of the auditions if they were all going to be like this.

* * *

_Another quick note: Ikkaku's birthday really was four days ago, and Yumichika's really was in September. :D And we really did forget. NijiNoNeko_


	6. Eleventh Squad Part Two

Authors' Note:

**Hi guys! Sorry it's been a while since the last chapter, but Neko-chan's had lots of exams including maths-mocks (she got an A in those! Yay! :D)**

_Um okay, thanks for telling the whole world that. Anyway, we're proud to announce that this is officially the longest chapter yet! Though most of it is my work, seeing as AppleDoodle was sitting on the floor beside me whilst we were writing it, chewing the table._

**...I have no excuses for that. I chewed the desk a bit. I can't say anything else.**

_So, that aside, we hope you enjoy this and also hopefully as our exams are over for now, we'll be able to write and update more chapter soon!_

**Oh, before I forget, our quote of the day: "That spider outside the window's really annoying me. Just make a web already! Stop floating around! Spiders don't get holidays."**

_Don't ask._

****

**

* * *

**

Chapter Six******: Eleventh Squad - Part Two **

******(or Fangs and Fangs and Fangs and Fangs and Fangs and Fangs and Fangs and . . .)**

* * *

"Ken-chan! Ken-chan!"

Kenpachi cracked open one eye and looked up at the hyper-active bubblegum-pink-haired girl inches away from his face.

"What?" he growled. Then his eyebrow twitched. "What the hell is that in your mouth?"

"Vampire fangs!" beamed Yachiru, jumping up and down happily. "You didn't forget did you, Ken-chan? Today's our audition!" And she grinned as widely as she could, revealing her fake pointy fangs. "I got them from Frankenstein!"

"Mayuri, huh?" Kenpachi sat up. "Wait, what audition?"

Yachiru tutted. "Ken-chan _did _forget! Silly Ken-chan!"

"You're too loud this early in the morning," Kenpachi muttered, getting to his feet and picking up his zanpakuto from where it had been lying on the floor beside the couch where he'd been sleeping.

"It's not early," Yachiru leapt up onto his shoulder. "It's six o'clock!"

Kenpachi glared at her. "Since when did you learn to read the time?"

"Look!" Yachiru leaned over and showed him her tiny wrist, upon which was drawn a watch in pink pen, the hands pointing to nine o'clock. "It's six!"

"No, it's not, it's nine," Kenpachi said.

"Really? That's bad!" Yachiru cried cheerfully. "The audition started ten hours ago!" she added, trying to work out the difference between six and nine.

"That's terrible," Kenpachi said sarcastically. "What are we gonna do?"

"Eat breakfast!" Yachiru cheered. "Let's go, Ken-chan!"

"Yeah," agreed Kenpachi, setting off out the room and nearly knocking over a passing eleventh squad member in the process. "And let's hope that seeing as it's nine, all the breakfast won't be gone."

"Don't worry!" Yachiru said. "If it is, we can go beat up some hollows and then go to our audition."

The eleventh squad member stared after them, confused, and looked over at the huge clock on the wall above where Kenpachi had been sleeping. "Breakfast? But it's three in the afternoon . . . why would he be wanting breakfast?" Then he paused. "And I swear their audition was supposed to be yesterday . . ."

* * *

Momo was not in a good mood. That much was evident from the way Aizen could practically see the fire burning off her.

Perhaps it came from having a fire-type zanpakuto.

As to the reason she was so annoyed . . . well, Momo had stated herself many times what the causes were.

"First, Zaraki Taichou and Kusajishi Fukutaichou don't have the _decency_ to turn up to their auditions! Unbelievable!

"Secondly, we were waiting here _all yesterday _for them to turn up and they didn't even send a message that they weren't coming or anything! I even slept here in the audition room! They haven't turned up today either – despite how many shinigami we've sent to find them!

"And to top it all off, we've had Kurotsuchi Taichou complaining to us and threatening to set his bankai on us if we don't keep Kusajishi Fuku-Taichou under control, saying it's _our_ fault that she completely overturned his lab in search of vampire fangs!" she folded her arms disgustedly and made a disapproving noise in her throat. "Honestly!"

Aizen was about to mention that it probably was her fault for planting the whole 'vampire' idea in Yachiru's mind in the first place, when he was interrupted by a commotion from outside the door.

There was a loud scream, and the door burst open as a terrified fifth squad member tripped into the room, a certain pink-haired little girl hanging onto their neck, being egged on by her laughing captain.

"Help! Help, please – somebody!" the poor shinigami was screaming. "Get her off!" He tried to loosen her grip by writhing violently, but the Vice-Captain only held on tighter.

"Why?" pleaded the shinigami. "Why me? What have I done? Please let me go!"

Yachiru raised her head long enough for Aizen to catch a glimpse of her plastic vampire fangs and evil grin. "But I need to drink your blood!" she squealed happily. "Otherwise I'll _die_!" And then she bent her head down and pressed the fangs to the shinigami's throat.

The victim screamed even louder and high-pitched than before, though Aizen suspected it was more from fear than actual pain. Yachiru sat back again, a pout on her lips.

"Ken-chan, why isn't it working? My fangs aren't making blood."

"You'll need to sharpen them first or they won't cut people."

"You're right, Ken-chan!" Yachiru said. "Can you do it for me? I left my zanpakuto in Bya-kun's pond."

"Sure," Kenpachi unsheathed his zanpakuto. The hostage shinigami looked, if possible, even more terrified.

Aizen decided it was time to intervene. "I don't think that's the best idea, Zaraki Taichou, and Kusajishi Fuku-Taichou, would you mind releasing our seventh seat? He looks as though he's about to pass out from this ordeal."

Yachiru pulled a sad expression. "But I was having fun!"

"At the expense of our seventh seat," Aizen said gently, even though, secretly, he'd been enjoying the show. "I take it you're here for your auditions?"

"Yup!" Yachiru said excitedly, forgetting all about the shinigami she'd been trying to drink the blood of and leaping off him.

Beside Aizen, Momo seemed to recover a little from the state of utter shock that she'd gone into. "Well . . . shall . . . we . . . er, start then?"

"That's an excellent idea," Aizen said, motioning to the seventh seat that he could leave the room, which the shinigami eagerly obliged. "I take it you two have learnt your lines?"

"Yep!" Yachiru cried.

"Yeah," said Kenpachi unexpectedly. Aizen raised an eyebrow in surprise. Kenpachi caught the look.

"What?" he grumbled. "Yachiru forced me. She kept on pestering me – and Yumichika too – until I'd learnt them."

Momo nodded approvingly, seeming to recover some more. "Good work, Kusajishi Fuku-Taichou."

"I know!" Yachiru grinned, baring her fangs again.

"So, perhaps you'd like to do the monologues first?" Aizen asked.

"Okay!" Yachiru jumped up excitedly, and skipped to the centre of the room. "Can I start?"

"Of course," Momo said, taking on her professional tone again.

Kenpachi slouched to the corner of the room and leaned against the window as Yachiru started. With an enormous grin on her face, she began speaking in a very happy, excited voice.

"It was a crippling thing," she beamed. "This sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest – _just like a hollow!_ – excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed and-"

"Um, Kusajishi Fuku-Taichou?" Momo interrupted hesitantly. "You've diverted a little from the script."

"No I haven't!" Yachiru said happily. "But I'll carry on anyway if that's what you want. I like this speech though! It has lots of blood and bleeding and bleeding and bleeding and bleeding and bleeding and bleeding and bleeding and-"

"Yes, Kusajishi Fuku-Taichou, we get the picture," Aizen interjected. "Please continue."

"Mm-hmm!" Yachiru nodded. "So after all the bleeding, despite the passages of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun-" she cried, spinning around happily like it was Christmas. Aizen happened to know for a fact that Yachiru loved Christmas. Something about all the candy . . .

"Please, Kusajishi Fuku-Taichou!" Momo scolded. "Can you stick to the script?"

"I am!" she replied. "Anyway – spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating and beating and beating and-" Yachiru caught sight of the look Momo was sending her way and seemed to decide that she might have jumped over the line _too _much this time. "-beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me!" Yachiru chirped, finishing with an animated leap in the air.

"Um, thank you, Kusajishi Fuku-Taichou," Momo said weakly. Aizen thought Yachiru was probably the most out-of-character Bella he'd seen in all these auditions. Definitely had made a nice change.

"Yay!" Yachiru cried. "Ken-chan, it's your turn!"

With what sounded like a mild curse under his breath, Kenpachi swapped places with Yachiru.

"When you're ready, Zaraki Taichou," Momo said, looking apprehensive.

Kenpachi swung his sword casually in front of him, starting his monologue in a bored tone, without any inflictions. "I swear, they're like hall monitors gone bad. They don't start fights, they keep the peace." He snorted. "There was this guy from up somewhere by the Makah rez, big guy too, scary-looking. Well, word got around that he was selling meth to kids, and Sam Uley and his _disciples_ ran him off our land. They're all about _our land_, and _tribe pride_ . . . it's getting ridiculous." Kenpachi looked as if he'd just realised what he'd said – as though he'd learnt the words without actually registering them.

"Hell," he grinned. "They sound just like that damn Byakuya." He looked up at Aizen. "You know what I'd do? I'd go charge straight over to them and cut them right down – like this!" And he charged forward, swinging his sword down and slicing the judge's table directly in half. Momo let out a small scream. Aizen leapt back slightly.

"Yes, yes, we understand how you feel, Zaraki Taichou," he said hastily, concerned for his own safety now. "Can you just finish your speech quickly please?"

Kenpachi looked disappointed, but unbelievably did as he was told.

"The worst part is that the council takes them seriously. Embry said that the council actually meets with Sam." Kenpachi finished the monologue as quickly as he could. "Embry also heard from Leah Clearwater that they call themselves 'protectors' or something like that. Jesus, these people could take lessons from that stuck-up Kuchiki anyday."

"Thank you, very much, Zaraki Taichou," Momo said. "Now, let's move onto the set-scene."

"Yippee!" Yachiru jumped forward to join Kenpachi. "Let's start, Ken-chan!"

"Fine," Kenpachi sighed. "Just get this over with."

"You start, Ken-chan," Yachiru beamed.

Kenpachi paced around boredly. "How old are you?"

"Seventeen!" sang Yachiru.

"How long have you been seventeen?"

"Oooh, watch this, watch this, look, I've been taking lessons from Fox-face!" Yachiru said eagerly, and bared her teeth in an absolutely terrifyingly evil grin, a complete mirror of Gin's, just with the addition of vampire fangs. "And then I say – a long long long long long long long long long while!"

"I know what you are."

"Say it!" Yachiru said gleefully. "Out loooooouuuuuuuuud!"

"Vampire."

"Are you afraid?"

"No."

"You should be!" Yachiru smiled evilly again. Aizen had to admit, he wasn't afraid of the vampire Yachiru – he was terrified.

Kenpachi turned around to the door. "Okay, that's done, now let's go. I want to fight someone. C'mon Yachiru."

"Okay!" Yachiru leapt onto his back. "Ken-chan, go! Go!"

Momo shook her head wearily as they disappeared. "What a riot those two are." Then she froze. "Hang on. Is it just me, or did they do the set-scene the wrong way around?"

Aizen reflected as he picked up his notes. "Hmm, so they did. Though I must admit, Yachiru's impression of Edward was quite . . . uh, fear-inducing."

"Kenpachi as Bella . . ." Momo looked disgusted. "Oh my God."


	7. Sniffles and Global Domination

Authors' Note:

_Guess what? We're back from the dead._

**Now we can be real vampires!**

_Yup, we're back older, wiser ..._

**And crackier than ever!**_  
_

_Yeah. It's been a while, but we're finally back, and this is a nice lengthy chapter, isn't it?_**  
**

**Yeah it's pretty long so hopefully you guys'll be satisfied :)**

_Not sure if it's actually as funny as the previous ones, but well, with these characters ... well, we tried our hardest. Enjoy!_

**Oh and a massive thank you to everyone who reviewed and anyone who's managed to stick with us all this time!**_  
_

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Sniffles and Global Domination**

* * *

"_No," Momo said flatly. "Just no."_

_Kyoraku grinned brightly. "Okay, then I'll be Edward and Juushirou can be my Bella."_

"_NO!" Momo slammed her hand down on the table. "We are not turning Twilight into yaoi!" _

_Ukitake coughed. "Bad luck, Shunsui."_

_Kyoraku looked put out, but an idea struck him and he perked up suddenly. "Fine, I'll be Nanao-chan's handsome vampire!"_

"_Ise Fuku-Taichou isn't going to audition – she's been hired to write the script," Aizen interjected with a smirk._

_Kyoraku pouted momentarily, then brightened again, and leaned over to Momo. "All right then, _you_ can be my Bella." And he smiled, baring his teeth which had suddenly formed dagger-like canines, his skin seeming to glitter in the sunlight . . ._

Momo sat bolt upright in bed, clutching the blankets to her in terror.

"No way . . ." she cried. "That is never going to happen as long as I am in charge of this play!"

She reached up and wiped beads of sweat off her forehead. The very idea . . . she shuddered.

"Let's eradicate that possibility today," she decided.

* * *

"Taichou! Taichou!"

"Taichou! Don't listen to him! Taichou!"

Ukitake raised his head wearily at his Third-Seats' voices.

"Kiyone? Sentarou?" he called feebly. "I'm in my room."

There was the sound of running footsteps and then the door was flung open.

"TAICHOU!" The Third-Seats stood there, panting. "Taichou, guess what!"

Kiyone spun around and glared at Sentarou. "Stop it! Don't you dare copy me!"

Sentarou scowled at her. "That's my line!"

"Don't take the words out my mouth! I have more of a right to tell Captain Ukitake the good news than you do!"

"Says who?!"

"Guys-" Ukitake said weakly.

"Oh yes, Taichou!" Kiyone ran over to him. "You have an audition for the Twilight play today!"

"HEY! DON'T JUMP IN AND STEAL MY SENTENCES LIKE THAT!" Sentarou yelled, pushing her out of the way. "Anyway, Taichou, more importantly, you'll be doing it with Captain Unohana!"

"YOU IRRITATING STUPID _IDIOT!_" Kiyone kicked him into the wall. "I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT!"

"OW! THAT – THAT HURTS!"

"WELL, YOU DESERVE THAT AND MORE! BE THANKFUL THAT I AM SO GENEROUS TO NOT GIVE YOU WHAT YOU JUSTLY DESERVE!"

"Oh dear," Ukitake murmured, getting to his feet. "I suppose I'd better be on my way then. Whatever you two do, don't destroy my room, please."

* * *

For some reason, Aizen mused, Hinamori seemed very cheerful. She was skipping up and down the auditioning room as they waited for the thirteenth and fourth squad Captains to arrive, humming and smiling widely.

Perhaps, he considered, there was something she was exceptionally pleased about.

After a few minutes of watching her flick through various scenes of the script and scribble notes on them, whilst pirouetting and dancing around the table, he decided to ask.

"Hinamori-kun? Is something up?"

Momo jumped about five-feet into the air and sat down hurriedly. "No, nothing, at all, Taichou," she insisted, then smiled, if possible, even wider. "I have a good feeling about this audition, though. It's going to be a nice, sensible day; without any specific shinigami ruining the work of art that this book is."

Aizen could have sworn that in the coughing fit that she suddenly took upon herself to have, he heard the name 'Kyoraku'.

He chuckled to himself, as a knock came from the door.

"Oh, come in!" Momo called brightly.

The door opened, and both Captains entered the room.

"We appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule for this," Aizen tried to smile whilst banishing an image of Unohana acting as Bella that had suddenly appeared in his mind. He fervently hoped that Momo knew what she was doing.

"Oh, it's no problem," Ukitake replied.

"I'm sure it will be worth our time," Unohana said lightly, but Aizen could have sworn that he heard the underlying threat in her tone.

He swallowed nervously. The sooner this was over with, the better.

"Well, Hinamori-kun, take it away," he reached for his tea with every intention of hiding behind his cup for the rest of the audition.

"Right," Momo shuffled her papers importantly and beamed at the Captains. "Let's start with the monologues, shall we?"

Ukitake turned gallantly to Unohana. "Ladies first?" he offered.

"Why, thank you, Ukitake Taichou," Unohana glided to the centre of the room and stood facing Aizen and Momo. With a smile that was both peaceful, soothing and creepily reminiscent of Gin's all at the same time, she bowed then coughed.

"Renée Dwyer," she introduced herself. "Breaking Dawn, Chapter One, page eighteen."

"Oh, you've read all of the books have you, Taichou?" Momo became, if possible, even more excited. She turned round to Aizen to whisper, "This is what a dedicated audition will look like, just you wait and see!"

If Aizen was being completely honest he didn't _want_ to wait and see, but he didn't see he had any other options.

"You make your own kind of mistakes," Unohana began, in a warm, motherly tone, "and I'm sure you'll have your share of regrets in life. But commitment was never your problem, sweetie."

Aizen spluttered into his tea. Out of everything, he would never have ever imagined Unohana saying the word 'sweetie'.

Momo shot him a sharp look, then turned her attention back to Unohana.

"You have a better chance of making this work than most forty-year-olds I know," Unohana opened her eyes and looked straight at Aizen as if knowing exactly what he was thinking. Aizen sank deeper into his chair and quailed under her gaze. "My little middle-aged child. Luckily, you seem to have found another old soul." Unohana finished and bowed again, retreating to the side of the room.

Aizen breathed a sigh of relief and wiped some beads of sweat from his forehead. All in all, Unohana was far too similar to Gin for his liking.

Momo clapped happily. "Perfect, Unohana Taichou! Now, Ukitake Taichou, it's your turn."

Ukitake, looking a little embarrassed, stepped forward.

"Um," he said.

"When you're ready, Captain," Momo smiled encouragingly.

"Okay," Ukitake cleared his throat, then started in a pacifying voice, exactly like the one he often used on Kyoraku. "Calmly and carefully, brother. I know well how you love your justice, but there is no justice in acting against this unique little one for her parentage."

On second thoughts, Aizen considered, maybe he was talking to Tousen instead.

"And so much to learn, so much to learn!" he continued. "I know you don't have my enthusiasm for collecting histories, but be tolerant with me, brother, as I add a chapter that stuns me with its improbability." Suddenly, Ukitake stepped back and held up a hand. "Hang on – a second – sneeze -"

There was a pause, and then he sneezed the most enormous sneeze that Aizen had ever heard. He was certain that even the window panes rattled in the aftermath.

"Captain! Are you okay?" Momo cried.

"Yes, yes," Ukitake waved away her concerns. "I'll just carry on and finish the monologue, now."

"Are you sure?" Aizen asked, pretending that he wasn't more impressed than worried.

Ukitake nodded, then continued. "We came expecting only justice and the sadness of false friends, but look what we have *cough* gained instead! A new *coughcough*, bright -" He stopped midsentence, coughing violently.

"Ukitake Taichou?!" Momo jumped up in consternation. But the Thirteenth Squad Captain was doubled over, coughing even more than before. Aizen raised an eyebrow. That was quite an impressive coughing force there. He couldn't stop himself imagining the possibilities of attacks and explosions if he could harness the power held in both Ukitake's coughs and sneezes.

"Aizen Taichou!" Momo pulled on his sleeve. "Please do something!"

"Oh," Aizen remembered that he was supposedly a kind and caring Captain. What should he do in such a situation? Go and pat Ukitake on the back?

Luckily, Unohana was there before he had to even put down his tea.

Within ten seconds she had stalled the fit enough for Ukitake to choke out, "knowledge of ourselves – our possibilities." The monologue finished, he collapsed on the floor.

"Hinamori," Unohana said calmly. "Would it be acceptable for us to return for the set scene at a later time? I'm afraid that we should escort Ukitake Taichou to my squad as soon as possible."

"Oh, there's no need for that," Momo said hurriedly. "Your monologues were both fantastic. In fact I already have the perfect roles for you two, so you won't need to do your set scene at all. Please, go ahead, Unohana Taichou."

"Thank you," Unohana smiled, then snapped her fingers. Instantly, four unranked squad four members appeared at the doorway.

"Yes, Captain?" they said.

"Please transfer Ukitake Taichou to the Emergency Ward immediately," she instructed.

"Yes, Captain!" they saluted, then within a minute had produced a stretcher out of nowhere, put Ukitake onto it, and carted him off out of the auditioning room.

"Good day to you two," Unohana turned at the doorway, then headed after them.

Momo looked happily at Aizen. "What a successful day, Aizen Taichou!"

Aizen considered it. He'd got totally creeped out by Unohana, Ukitake had nearly died and he'd had to waste his time sitting through another bunch of these ridiculous auditions.

On the upside, he now had a dozen Ukitake-aided-world-domination plans running around his head at the speed of light.

He nodded in agreement.

Yes, very successful indeed.


End file.
